12:15am 6/6/2014: I just finished watching Inception for the who knows what time. Three days ago, on the 3rd, I talked for four hours with my sister Cara, two about my deepest failure: the failure to love God, despite wanting to. The day before that, I spoke with my girlfriend, Jenna, for three hours about the same topic, breaking down in sobs at the disparity of my situation. Utterly confused and struggling to hope that someday I will have a healthy relationship with the One who made me. I feel like I’m trapped, no, I’m convinced that I am in a trap, a trap much stronger than I am, a trap that has bound my soul in it’s iron-like jaws of despair for nigh on a decade, a trap that has sapped my resolve, drained my initiative, weakened my spirit and left it defenseless before temptation while numbing it to the sorrow and grief that rightly should come with sin. What is the trap? It’s the idea that my soul seems not to care about God. I know how to walk with Him, I have heard His voice countless times but my heart does not rejoice at the sound of it, and neither does it cringe or react in any other discernible way. Every godly and wise voice I hear points to God for the solution, and He is the solution.
The most resilient virus is an idea. “Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it’s almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that’s fully formed – fully understood – that sticks”. “She had locked something away, something deep inside her. The truth that she had once known, but… she chose to forget. Limbo became her reality.” Like Mal, this inescapable trap has developed and become my reality over the course of my remembered life.
God is the solution, I’m tempted to add sarcasm and say He’s always the solution, in fact I just did. I’m bitter at Him for allowing me to be in this trap, to stay here and have all my struggles to come to Him be fruitless; all my attempts at spiritual discipline quickly run out of steam fall flat on their face. If He would only renew my heart, let it rejoice at the sound of His voice, cause my soul to value a relationship with Him the way it aught to, then I would be free. I cannot count the times I have asked Him for this, prayed, begged, pleaded, wept, mourned over not having this.
Just do it, make yourself read and pray and memorize, then from those disciplines will grow the heart you desire… Bullshit. I’ve heard this message too many times and tried it again and again to no avail, three months straight at one point that brought absolutely no change to this stubborn, unresponsive heart of mine. I’m still willing to try it yet again though, since it’s the closest thing to a solution I have right now and it’ll have to start anyway when the problem actually gets solved
My question is this: Is it possible that I might be like Mal? If so, what is the truth that I have forgotten? What is it that I have locked deep inside of me? If I am this way, who will remind me of the truth? How can one remember something that has been truly forgotten by the mind that experienced it and never noticed by another? Does another know what it is that is locked inside me? And, God, will you please help?